Maybe I’m just insecure..

 

Sometimes we have to learn how to put light and darkness together so we can see the beauty in lighting the things that hold us back 

Recently I have felt insecure about a few things. One being the feeling of inadequacy.

Inadequate – Definition 
adjective
  1. lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.

You see I know deep down I do have what it takes to fulfill my purpose because I have the reassurance of the one who created me and the constant reminder from the people who know me best in this world. But what good is it if I don’t believe this to be true?

I grew familiar to the feeling of insecurity – Signed the healing me

With each day I told myself “I can’t” the more I made this insecurity a part of my identity. I then noticed it trickled to my business and me putting things off that I have wanted to do for a while. At the time I thought this change in me was rational. It wasn’t like I woke up and told myself you can’t because you are a failure. It was more subtle than that. It was more of “you can but what if…so don’t” It didn’t occur to me that I even had these deep rooted anxieties. You see the moment I realised it was impacting my ambition which is a big part of me and my coin, I knew something had to change! And quickly!

My last blog post I spoke about planting new roots. Planting new roots is great and essential but you have to make room for the new by uprooting the old. I thought I had dealt with every issue that I had from my break up. But shortly after I wrote my last post I realised that although I had uprooted so many dead weeds in my life, there were still a few that I was feeding.

 Hope is not sitting around desiring a better tomorrow while dwelling on the things of yesterday.

I know that the more I push light through the darkness of my insecurities, the more lit up my life will be. Light being the truth, word and promises of God. But I guess connecting the dots and doing something about it are two different things. So what do you do here? Last week I made the decision to just face it! I told myself Sarah if you cry you cry, if you scream you scream but either way you need to revisit the root and deal with it.

The feeling of being inadequate didn’t just come from thin air. I have to bring that feeling and what caused it to someone greater than me. And for me that is God. I closed my room door and I prayed. In doing so I was inspired to write this post and as I typed, I was reminded that not everything we are a part of has been ordained in the purpose that we are called to. It may have been a part of our journey because it was a lesson or simply because we took a few wrong turns and maybe stayed at a stop for too long.

I have worked myself up and allowed this feeling to set me back. I questioned elements of my character and doubted myself. But the truth is I lacked the qualities needed for that ‘purpose’ because it was not my purpose in the first place. Yes there were things I could have done differently, things I could have handled better but it wasn’t that I was ill- equipped, it was that I wasn’t rightly positioned. Then I was reminded that everything I have been called to do, God has given me the tools needed to do it! So guess what I am NOT inadequate! Talk about a BREAKTHROUGH! (Screams in her spirit as she types this)

The healing process is more complex than I could have ever imagined. But I thank God each day because 8 months ago, I didn’t think I would be able to face my friends and family let alone write a blog that has reached 41 countries across 5 continents. I was going to keep this experience to myself but I shared this because I truly believe that God can give you a new heart if you just give him the old one. I have and I am still learning that when you trust God you are more than enough!

 

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