Is it possible to lose yourself?
Serious question, how can you lose what is always with you, always speaking to you, always inside of you? Basically how can you lose what is right in front of you?
I ask this because I was so sure I lost myself. I wasn’t doing the things I use to do that reminded me of me. I was making excuses for my behaviour. “Oh I am just trying to find myself again” I would say
The real question should have been, how and where did I plan to ‘find’ myself? Clearly I couldn’t have gone that far without noticing myself slip away? But even if I was truly lost at what point did I realise?
I know it seems like I am going around in circles with all of these questions. But after asking myself this I realised that the ultimate question was – am I truly lost?
The issue with pain is that day after day you begin to build a number of walls. And as these layers grow in its thickness it becomes harder and harder to strip it down back to the surface. The surface being the you that appears lost.
But the lost you or in this case the lost me was always right there. She was just waiting for me to realise that every wall and layer of pain steered my life in a new direction. And it was up to me to choose the destination.
It gets to the point when we are so deep in the valley that we have to use our pain to grow a better us. To sit down and dissect my past and acknowledge the points that I went wrong, and the points that I was wronged was painful. 9/10 I would give up before I started. But I was so tired of not being able to find the bubbly, happy, positive woman I use to be. I was ready to indentify her again… better yet I wanted to get to know the refined her! So that’s what I did!
I faced my pain. It was not the easiest process to dig at my lowest point. But it’s when I kept digging that I was able to stop feeding the roots of my pain and put down new roots using the lessons I had learnt.
I let go of baggage I held on to and I was able to be free. Free mentally, emotionally and creatively. I was able to chanel my pain to a notepad instead of people. I was able to give my yoke to my maker and not feed it to my mind. This is the reFINEd me!
- The refined me is stronger.
- The refined me knows better than to give up!
- She knows better than to lose faith.
- She knows that there is beauty in pain and freedom in her story!
- She is and will forever be LOVEABLE
- The refined me found out that even a hopeless romantic like myself could live through her non fairytale ending.
- The refined me also knows that her best is yet to come.
So to answer my question is it possible to lose yourself? Well that my dear reader is up to you.