Today I came to collect a gift from our registry gift list.

When the wedding was called off, I asked our gift register to issue a refund to all of our guest. It was so hard to do this as for many, this was how they found out that we were no longer together. I mean they all of course knew that we had postponed the wedding but I guess there was an element of hope that there will be a mass email announcing the new date.

As the refunds were issued, the messages of sympathy and prayers crept in. It was so warm to know just how much love there was around me. But also it was another reminder of the relationship failing so publicly.

Months had past and quite frankly the gift registry was behind me. Until one day I received an email saying a guest had requested that I keep the gift or accept the monetary value. I was thankful for this grand gesture. But the thought of having to deal with this was something I just couldn’t bare. So I put it off. Months passed, multiple calls ignored and emails skipped then eventually I emailed the register back and made arrangements to go in store.

Why was I putting this off? I guess it was the fear of facing the past. The last time I was here I was selecting gifts for our home. I walked around the store for 3 hours picturing each room and colour scheme. It was such a great moment that made me even more excited about what was to come amidst the hectic planning and hostility that existed between us. The funny thing is at the time all of this was happening, we didn’t have a home yet but just the thought of it and decorating it was enough to make me giddy with excitment.

I could have gone to any store in the chain to collect it. And funny enough I was in one of their branches earlier this week. But I decided to face my fears and come into the store where the registry was made.

Walking into the store today caused my heart to beat fast. As I passed each of the 5 floors to get to the gift registry section, I was reminded of the living room, the bathroom, our bedroom, the kitchen and the garden that we didn’t even know if we would have.

As I got to the top floor and told them why I was here, I was welcomed with a congratulations and a hello Mrs… I wasn’t sure why the reason why I was here wasn’t relayed to the staff but how would they know at ‘hello’ why I came. Most people come in excitement to collect their gifts.

I didn’t think there was a need to correct the lady at the counter or the guy who gave me my vouchers. Of course I noticed him look at my finger to look for a ring and also the wonder in his eyes  when I addressed myself as Sarah Alonge. At that point I wanted to say something but instead I sat down and took it all in.

At 18:35 on Thursday 9th March I picked up my phone to do what I do when I have no words to say. I Began to write. So sorry If there are typos because this will go out before I get a chance to stop myself from pressing post.

Fighting back the tears, I sit here smiling because I managed to do it. I managed to let go even though it truly hurt. I am transitioning more gracefully than I ever thought I would. And for that I only have God to thank.

So sorry this came so randomly on a Thursday night or doesn’t go with last week’s post. I just had to go with the feel.

Signed

A healing me

Xxx