What they don’t tell you is that jealousy is a part of the process.
Jealousy! Yup I said it. I will be 100% honest with you with this one. After a tough break up and watching things fall apart unremorsefully, I found myself portraying traits that I least expected. At first I didn’t mind having to continue life watching friends date, get married and have children.
I didn’t mind because quite frankly my situation had me extremely uninterested in men.
But as the hurt wore off, I found myself yearning for companionship.
Now don’t get me wrong, it was not the type of jealous that was not happy for a friend or a loved one. This form of jealousy took on a different stance. I would say it was two folds.
It’s the kind of Jealously that desires to be loved by a significant other so badly that you find yourself desiring the love you see. You find yourself watching a couple and muttering under your breath – ‘one day, I go love’. It’s the type of Jealously that makes you wish you could be anyone else other than yourself.
But in this I realised my real desire was simply to go through the motions. To fit back in with the social media hype around relationships and marriage. To not be in the category of the single ladies who the aunties annoyingly ask ‘so any suitor yet’- p.s. I think we should write a manual on African aunties do’s and don’ts!
What’s so scary about this stage is that I missed companionship so much that I confused a number of sour memories with love. You watch social media and you see ‘what life could have been like’: the grand wedding with the grooms tear jerking speech, your first house together, matching outfits on a Sunday ( don’t act like I’m the only one who thinks of this LOL). And all of a sudden you forget that what it ‘could have been’ and what it ‘really would have been’ are two very different things.
It was the part of my transitioning that I learnt to face reality head on and stop trying to re-live the dead. So why choose the term jealousy some may ask? Well here it is.
Jealousy. I define you as a thief that only comes to make one feel less than.
Jealousy. You are the highlight of the insecurities that reside within me
Jealousy. Inspite of the warrior born in me, your existence found me desiring to be the old me… but the old me wasn’t happy. The old me was living a life full of negative energy inflicted on me. Energy that attempted to dampen the flame that Christ laid within me. The old me was a dying me. So how on earth did ‘jealously’ almost win the battle of taking me back to being the lost me?
Well thank God that ‘almost’ doesn’t count.
Jelousy – you can’t win because I can only ever be a better version of me.
So instead of focusing on the past or worry about the future let’s learn to enjoy living in the moment. Once you learn that everything else is not worth it, you’ll do all you can to be the best version of you and learn to love you.
So I say bye to the Jealous me because I am enough.