The hardest part is not getting over the pain, it’s coming to terms with the lack of notifications popping up with your name on the screen

The cheeky ‘good morning my princess’ messages and the exchange of silly tweets and videos through out the day.

The hardest part is spending days without you and knowing that as long as the ends is met, I have to keep the distance. The distance may not have been my choice initially but now it’s got to happen.

I have to stay strong.

I have to stop my emotions from clouding what should otherwise be so clear.

I’ve got to keep focused on hearing what God wants for us and what God wants for me.

I get why they say you shouldn’t get emotionally involved until you’re sure.

But what if you thought you were sure and you’re already emotionally involved?

What then?

I guess at this point you’ve just got to take the L… that’s right you’ve got to suck up the pain and remind yourself of the why.

Because in the truest words of a girl just trying to get it right (me), I’d rather go through the months of pain now and save myself a lifetime of potential heart ache.

I want my 80 year old self to tell her younger self that

I’m proud you stuck this through. Now look you’ve just spent the last 5-6 decades happy.

Raising your kids in a happy home and with the man of your dreams.

The hardest stage right now believe it or not is missing you, but it would be even harder if i missed what God has in store for me.

– April 2016

……..

3 years on and I am happy for those 28 days. The days of silence. It took me 7 days to come to terms with it but when I did, the process was worth it. Praying, fasting… listening to God for direction.

Turns out the hardest stage was not missing you. But that’s a post for a whole other day.

3 years on, I realise more and more that the end of us was really the beginning.. funny now that I find myself using some of the lessons I learnt then to guide my decision right now.

3 years on and the process of what happened still gives me chills. But not the chills of the tears I cried 3 weeks or 3 months after it happened. It is more the chills of wow Sarah you were and are stronger than you think…

Truth is I don’t know why the lead up to this day for the last 3 years always seems to bring back memories. I use to pray that I would forget the date but I never do. And I am grateful for that too. I guess it is God’s way of reminding me that the rough seasons never last forever and even when things aren’t always 100, I have SO MUCH  TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

The peace I have now, I didn’t have then. I couldn’t buy it or earn it if I tried because this is the kind of peace that only God gives.

I will forever be grateful that I never allowed the stage of missing you to be the stage I lost it all. because that is all it was.. a stage!

To those who are reading this, who may be missing someone and are thinking of picking up the phone to send a text, don’t. If it is meant to be, let God mend it. If it’s not, don’t use your hands (literally) to potentially destroy what God has in store for you.

The best is yet to come

– April 9th 2019 

Xxx