After a long break from writing, I came back to my screen and found it hard to write. Sometimes in the silent seasons we feel that God is not speaking to us or that there is nothing more to give in that moment. But I have found that sometimes God simply wants us to complete assignments before He gives us new ones or even just reflect on lessons He has given.
Frustrated that I couldn’t seem to write, I decided to look through my drafts and found a post I wrote during a pivotal transition in my life. Reading it, I realised that I didn’t share it when I wrote it because the real time to share it and complete it is now.
Vulnerability is one of the most bizarre feelings I have ever experienced. It is a feeling that can often be as detrimental as it is comforting and one that has the ability to invite as many amazing people into your life as it does harmful.
It is one of the many ways that I have given fear the power to lead me to close doors that were meant to remain open. And in the same breath, it has seen my desire to feel comforted lead me to open doors that God did not give me the keys to open.
Recently I have been reflecting on some events in my life. But the most recent and most eye opening challenge was
‘If I was the only representation of God that he or she could see, would I be doing God justice?’
Asking myself this question opened my heart to be healed whilst being broken. I say that because it lead me to make decisions in my life that would expose the state of my heart. It was a state more concerned about what gratifies me and less so on what pleases God.
I mistook my strength in one situation to be readiness to tackle every other situation. When really my strength is a reminder that I can, but only when I lean on God.
I was strong but I was vulnerable
I allowed certain friendships and situations to exist because of where I was in my life. I allowed friends to validate me because my vulnerability exposed all of my insecurities.
But no matter how many times a friend told me I was great, or a guy offered to woo me, I still felt so empty inside.
I didn’t realise back then that although my wounds were healing, they were still new enough to hurt when someone touched them. So when they were touched before its time e.g. dating before I was fully ready, my healing process was delayed.
In certain situations, I hadn’t quite learnt how to dress my scars or present them in a flattering way. They were exposed for people to see. And boy did people see them.
Naturally, people who care about you want to help you but the help provided isn’t always the answers we need. Whether intentions are good or bad, help from the wrong source can be worse than the scar in itself.
Sometimes we are so consumed about being saved from something that we try to manipulate the journey. I am learning that the journey to whatever destination you are currently, is just as important as your landing place. The journey has the power to define you, build habits good or bad and cultivate your process. The gateway to a new season is pivotal. The steps you make and who you take them with will determine how you weather the storm before spring time. So I encourage you today to get back to the route you are destined to walk and stop trying to find shortcuts.
Vulnerability is not a permanent state. But the decisions you make while you are vulnerable can leave permanent realities.
Lean on God so that He can reveal your steps and the moments that you are simply supposed to remain still. Joseph in the bible didn’t know how his dreams as a young man would materialise but he knew that eventually it would. When everything seemed to be going the exact opposite way to what he was promised by God, he still held on. He was rejected, lied on, belittled and so much more. Yet, there were no shortcuts for Joseph because he knew that displeasing God to honour others or himself would only lead to short term gratification. Don’t allow being vulnerable today make you lose sight of the long term gratification God has before you.
Keep leaning, keep believing, God has got you.
Until next time x