7 months ago, I battled with anxiety attacks..Thankfully this only lasted a few weeks . And I’m grateful to God that this has not happened since.
It had been a year since the last time I had one and so needless to say I panicked. I wrote this post at the time because I didn’t know what to do! I uploaded it but it quickly came down after a concerned friend called me and told me I need to go back to counselling.
I wanted help and I thought that maybe it would ease off people expecting so much from me. But going back to a Councillor? that was a no. To me, it was a step backwards. I had gone down that road and I was over it. Now don’t get me wrong, both spiritual and medical counselling were major blessings to me. And one day I may share more on this. But today I am reminded that even with the best support, anxiety can creep in at anytime.
I am going to take you on a blog journey. The below blog was written 7 months ago at the very time of the anxiety battle. As it is long, it is split in / parts xxx
Tight pain in my chest, sweaty palms, short breaths. My mind is on overdrive. Not again. Breath Sarah… breath!
24th May (Today)
Thought: Maybe it’s the trauma.
Me: trauma? What trauma…. nope that word sounds far too traumatic.
Thought: it was a traumatic experience Sarah.
Me: googles ‘define trauma’
I always associated trauma with the war. I guess all of the years watching Greys Anatomy and following the life of the trauma surgeons at Grey Sloane memorial hospital has birthed this association between trauma, the war and sick people! Yup don’t ask (covers face)
Not for one second did it register that sometimes the biggest trauma’s are the ones that hit us emotionally. The ones with no clear guidelines to the time-frame of recovery.
The testing period has been hard. And I feel like I have had to re-live this trauma over and over again!
Surely the emotional shock should have worn off by now? The agony certainly has.
Googles getting over trauma
But, I can’t sleep. How can I go to sleep and aim for 7-9 hours when there are some days I wake up after 7-9 minutes!
Now I know why people say ‘avoid doctor Google!’
But on closer reflection, something stood out to me –
Worry and fear
Two words that unfortunately became my friends.
The things I have had to deal with birthed fear: a destiny destroyer! And anxiety, the disorders that affect how we feel and behave making us a prisoner in our own bodies
My favourite scripture at one time was “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” Philippians 4:6 NLT another version says be anxious for nothing.
Only someone who suffered from anxiety would have gravitated to this scripture as much as I did. I realised very quickly that this wasn’t one of those scriptures for a season, but for a life time. To tell me not to worry, will never stop me from worrying. But to tell God what I’m concerned about will automatically invite Him to guide me and take control of that situation.
At 3:22am I had a little reminder in my spirit. On closer reflection, I realised that this reminder is probably why I am writing this post.
“For I hold you by your right hand— I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.” Isaiah 41:13 NLT
Sometimes fear of the unknown and the known consumes you to the point that you believe that you’re doing things alone. When it comes to other people, you’re quick to remind them that ‘God has got them’ but when it comes to you, you hold your own darn hand and deal with it all by yourself. I know because that was me. Even when I learned how to give Jesus the wheel, I still had moments that I was trying to take the wheel back off Him!
Like everyone on this earth, we will all have to do hard things. Hard things coming our way is not often a choice. But the ability to get through it is a decision that we have to make.
I experienced trauma. Fear and anxiety are a bi-product of that trauma. Sleep deprivation unfortunately is a result of it. hence the time stamps on this post.
Today, in the very mist of pain, I’ve found the root of my problem all by surrendering myself to the one with the answers.
I encourage you to dig deep. Find the root. We can only overcome what we get over. But you’ve got to know what you are getting over in order to build that bridge and walk over it. For me this is step 1.
Sarah gives her fears and anxiety to God and attempts this sleep things again!