Desire VS Faith: Praying was painful

I never thought that the answer to my prayers would be the breaking of something I grew to love so dearly.

Maybe if I had known, I would have never prayed that prayer. I would have been comfortable living with the ignorance of the truth that you were the biggest obstacle between me and my breakthrough.

If I had just asked God what it was that was holding me back before I uttered the words ‘Lord remove everything that is holding me back away from my life‘ that morning, then I would have had the option of weighing out if losing you was really worth it. Was it worth the pain, the sleepless nights, the uncertainty and the insecurities?

I had worked so hard. With two degrees next to my name you can pretty much say I knew the prize and I wanted it. I started my career  in a sector that paid less but required more. And I did this just so I could up-skill myself to be the best me I could be. As I changed jobs, I worked harder and longer hours so I could make a mark in a field so hard to break in to.

So why is it that after all of this, after everything I put in, the very thing holding me back was the very thing I loved so much? From ‘successful’ in my 20’s I became jobless in my 20’s.

The ‘you’ in question here was my job.

I was 24 and I was made redundant.

Redundancy was a word I’d heard many times. But it was not the word that I thought I would hear on that Wednesday afternoon.

My feelings after that moment can be summed up in one word, pain.

I remembered my prayers moments before and I couldn’t quite see how the ending of this chapter could possibly lead to the opening of something better.

At some point in our lives, praying seems painful. I don’t mean the act of it but the result of it. How can I ask God for progression and then I lose my job? There is no logic in that. And for the 7 months I sat at home praying and fasting, rejected interview after interview, eating carbs after carbs, shedding tear after tear,

I could’t see God’s master plan.

I was tired of riding on the success of my past victories because even that had an expiry date.

It took 7 months of pain but I soon learnt that each moment in that season was preparing me. Do you know what it feels like to be trained in resilience? And not the resilience of bouncing back when you have something to bounce to. But bouncing back when you don’t know when or where your bounce will land. Albeit hard, eventually it made sense. I finally got my new role and then the years followed with opportunity after opportunity. I realised that the 7 months prepared me for now and had I remained where I was, I would have never had these great opportunities.

So let’s replace the ‘you’ with whatever it is you’re dealing with right now.

Last week I wrote a post about letting go when quite frankly I didn’t want to. The amount of emails and DM’s I received was truly overwhelming. From people who can relate or people who are struggling to do the same. The truth is a lot of the things holding us back are within our reach. Some may be things you never expect (like me and my previous job) and some may be things or people that you know that yours and their lives would be better apart.

If God told us what answering our prayers would truly entail, 90% of us would not pray. The reality is that His ways are not our ways for a reason. We can’t see the end but He can.

Fulfilling purpose requires guidance, trust and sacrifice. You must first ask for direction from God as to what it is you are suppose to do.

Even if it hurts, be willing to let go of whatever it is holding you back. Some times we aren’t willing  to let go of and so the thing we are holding onto is painfully removed. But that is a post for another day

Praying reveals the truth through the manifestation of Gods power. It may feel painful at first but in reality the outcomes are our greatest pleasure.

So whatever you do, keep praying.


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