I can be 100% honest and say that after 2016, I never thought I would find it so hard to let go of anything.
I mean I was stripped of so much. And although at the time it did not make sense, I am grateful. But after that experience I was under the impression that there wouldn’t be a situation that I, Sarah Alonge, would find hard to let go of. I was wrong.
When trials hit you unaware, you can either deal with it head on or let it deal with you. I chose the former. But when of course you are in control of the trial to come e.g. letting go of something, you can either:
- cut it,
- delay or;
- ignore it until it defeats you.
As humans, we tend to choose the delay option. That’s the reason why so many stay in dead end jobs or dead end relationships. There is comfort in the discomfort. There is a sense of ‘belonging’ even though you do not belong. And in my case there was all of this and more. There was a connection. A sense of comfort, warmth, desire, dear I say it lust.
I wasn’t looking for him when he came. I was a girl with a plan and a vision of what greatness looked like and if I am honest I saw greatness within him. Problem is, I didn’t check to see if his greatness and my greatness were meant to be together. He was my little secret. He was my diary and within a short amount of time he became the sole person to know things about me that only God knew. So even though I knew I had to cut, I chose delay.
But before I go into this painful challenge … (letting a guy in only to let him go again) I want to speak about how I got to this point. So lets rewind.
When I was getting back to my social bubbly self, I was so determined to not be bitter that I made it a priority to take all emotions before God. I didn’t let it resonate until it became unbearable, however I’ll be real and say I was close to this point. For a while men repulsed me and I felt very vulnerable. I knew this was unhealthy so I dealt with it on my knees. Besides, cursing out the entire male population got me no where. I had days where painful memories would re-surface but I learnt I had to keep praying until they were no longer painful to remember.
The transitioning here was PAINFUL. Anyway I stuck to it and with time I became happier and there was no bitterness in sight. I became more open to the idea of dating. But I was in no rush. I was still pinching my arm in shock of this new status. I had to remind myself that this was not a dream. I was in fact single again.
Step one of my transitioning stage was acceptance. I had to accept this proudly. I also had to accept how I got here. I had to be ok with the fact that someone I had given my heart to made this decision. Acceptance is about going through it and being able to love you even though you once couldn’t bare being in your own skin. I was owning and accepting that in this season God wanted to teach me a few things. So even in the feeling of loneliness, or the days I missed him, I accepted where I was right now knowing better will come.
Truly friends, It is about seeing yourself through God’s eyes. When you’re transitioning from being carried to crawling you have to accept that you will fall flat on your face sometimes. And between April and September, my face got a lot of bruises. But in September after ATL, I knew I was ready to stand and until I could learn to accept that my legs were capable enough to carry me, how would I ever trust that they will one day lead me to run?
So I stood in my identity which lead me onto the next stage. The stage that made it possible for me to be comfortable in a non platonic relationship again. But I’ll get onto that in next weeks post…